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Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

I am not young enough to know everything.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air �� however slight �� lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

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In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Why don't you write books people can read?

The truth is more important than the facts.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

I am not young enough to know everything.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

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It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

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I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

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When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

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I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

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The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

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I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

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If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

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When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

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Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

If there��s one thing I know it��s God does love a good joke.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

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It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

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Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

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2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

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The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist �� and better tools.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist �� and better tools.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist �� and better tools.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

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TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

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Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

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Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

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The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

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Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist �� and better tools.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

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We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

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All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

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A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

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I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

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A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

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I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

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It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

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If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

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A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

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Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

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Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

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Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

.,

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

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The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Smith & Wesson �� the original point and click interface.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

In this war �� as in others �� I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist �� and better tools.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist �� and better tools.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Riudd ) site coodfdsl !!!!!! sd

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

A hen is only an egg��s way of making another egg.

A hen is only an egg��s way of making another egg.

A hen is only an egg��s way of making another egg.

A hen is only an egg��s way of making another egg.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Hi there, what's up you guys???

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

In this war �� as in others �� I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

The covers of this book are too far apart.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI�!

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air �� however slight �� lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

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If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

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Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

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I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

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Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist � and better tools.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

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If the profit of a community network is to bolt with other people, you extremity a community network that has lavishness of members. And Facebook decidedly has copiousness of members, undeterred by all the adversative publicity it has received lately give its solitude problems. inclination all 500 million Facebook users resettle to Google Me? I fear it -- and those 500 million members are what makes Facebook so attractive.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Why BlackBerry faces the UAE's wrath

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

A hen is only an egg��s way of making another egg.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

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UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

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If the profit of a communal network is to bolt with other people, you difficulty a group network that has copiousness of members. And Facebook decidedly has copiousness of members, undeterred by all the adversarial publicity it has received lately give its clandestineness problems. want all 500 million Facebook users move to Google Me? I fear it -- and those 500 million members are what makes Facebook so attractive.

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We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

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One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

A number of extremely great information I must say, thank you.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

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My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist �� and better tools.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

If the profit of a communal network is to fit with other people, you difficulty a group network that has lavishness of members. And Facebook decidedly has copiousness of members, in defiance of all the denying publicity it has received lately hither its solitude problems. force all 500 million Facebook users move house to Google Me? I scruple it -- and those 500 million members are what makes Facebook so attractive.

I am not young enough to know everything.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

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Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

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The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

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Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist �� and better tools.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

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Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

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I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

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Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

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If a man does his best, what else is there?

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

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Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

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I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI�!

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

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TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

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And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

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It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Mit der Dummheit k辰mpfen G旦tter selbst vergebens

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I am not young enough to know everything.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

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Bachus repeated the citation a mass of times during the indubitably of the discussion alongside the House Pecuniary Services Cabinet, as if he had discovered a hard kernel of act gaming proponents could not refute nor digest. But the Alabama Republican had either accidentally or consciously muddied the dampen with misleading information.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

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In related news, Tiger Woods always gives 110 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 10 percent left over for his alleged mistress.

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But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

The truth is more important than the facts.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

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War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

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To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

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An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

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He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

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Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

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I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

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To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

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Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

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Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

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Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

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